I am a terrorist...

Every journalist knows there are two sides to any story. While a crushing 5-0 defeat at home may be an absolute tragedy for the losing side it is, at the same time, a glorious victory for the winners. With this in mind we here at J.I.S.M have decided to speak out about the taboo upside of terrorism.

J.I.S.M members take their role in the fourth estate very seriously, we are the guardians of democracy, enabling the electorate to monitor the elected etc. We are highly principled people, however to be in a position to follow those principles and serve society we must gain and keep readers and viewers. The best journalist in the world can't get a platform to change society without a sellable story.

The more 'hot buttons' a story has the wider an audience it will reach and there is nothing so fulfilling as writing a story that everybody reads. It is because of this that we formed J.I.S.M to encourage all terrorist to keep up their efforts.

Any story about terrorism overflows with potential for controversy. The security vs liberty debate; religion and racism; politics, both domestic and international; explosions and cool looking guns; plus people are too scared not to read about it, in case some detail may later save their lives.

In short, terrorist attacks and their myriad repercussions are absolute gold dust for journalists and, having gotten used to gorging ourselves on almost daily suicide attacks and scandals and the sordid details of enquires into suicide attacks and scandals, it is quite unthinkable for us to go back to the boring old news we had before.

The Home Secretary hopes to make the glorification of terrorism a criminal offence yet if such a law were strictly enforced we'd all be out of a job. Let's face it, we need popularity to survive and have the opportunity to safeguard democracy so we give the public what they want. What they want are gory details and weeping mothers.

If you have any information about possible terrorist activity before you call the authorities, spare a thought for the journalists working today. Do you really want to deny someone a scoop that might make their career, not to mention entertain millions?

Email us at I_A_A_T@hotmail.com for our, 'J.I.S.M Confidential Source Starter Pack'* The pack contains details of various ways to contact us quickly, letting us know asap about breaking stories. You'll also find handy hints on how to make the best use of standard civilian recording tools, such as camcorders and mobile phones, should you find yourself in the middle of the action, and much, much more.

At the end of the day people shouldn't be so selfish as to ignore the plight of the average journalist, especially when we have the power to brand anyone we don't like a paedophile. So do as we say and help us out, because believe us, you don't want J.I.S.M on your back.

(* 'Starter Packs' subject to availability)

Many people would have you believe that extremists are responsible for most of the worlds ills today. Some are even so bold as to suggest that the extremism we see today is of a new and higher order than those of the past. We here at L.O.V.E feel that such standpoints are naive and may themselves be a root cause of conflict.

The simple fact is that there have always been extremists and there always will be. Trying to eliminate extremism is a futile undertaking, you may as well try to rid the world of air or water or Coca Cola. The key to securing ongoing global peace is in fact, counter intuitive as it may seem, more extremism.

The real problem today is that we have an imbalance of extremism. What we need are more extremists from wider walks of life to cancel out each other's zealous hatreds. To this end L.O.V.E was established. We are a non-profit making organisation dedicated to monitoring the relative numbers of extremists and promoting growth in areas which under perform.

For an information pack* containing more detailed descriptions of our aims and methods please email us, via this website, mentioning L.O.V.E in the subject, @ I_A_A_T@hotmail.com . You yourself may well belong to an under represented group and, with the proper encouragement and support, you too could become radicalised to the point of murderous insanity and play your part in helping us all move towards a perfect balance.

If you're already a homicidal extremist then please do get in touch as we are constantly striving to make our database as accurate as possible. Without your help we won't know how many other nutters we need to recruit in order that we may all eventually sleep safe in our beds. The way of L.O.V.E is simple and true and all we need to make the dream a reality are people and some self righteous hatred. Can you help us build a better world?

(*information packs subject to availability)

Are looking for a short term relationship with an understanding partner before making the ultimate sacrifice? More and more people are finding themselves in this position and H.U.M.P are here to help. We specialise in putting soon-to-be suicide bombers like you in contact with likeminded singles in your area.

Let's face it, however you dress it up, you're going to kill yourself and a whole lot of innocent people and the religious or political drives you need to make you capable of doing this are so intense and demanding it's only natural that you should need some support.

We here at H.U.M.P understand that time is a factor for you so the very moment we receive your email we will work tirelessly to provide you with at least one local introduction within two working days. Just email us through this website, mentioning H.U.M.P in the subject line, on I_A_A_T@hotmail.com .

If that promise weren't enough we are currently offering, for a limited time only, one free introduction for every two you pay for. And remember, besides the too-good-to-be-true 3 for 2 introductions, only at H.U.M.P, we'll also send you a copy of our popular handbook: 'Guide To Short Term Relationships For Suicide Bombers', absolutely free when you sign up.*

So don't waste what little time you have left on your own, contact H.U.M.P today and make the most of the days between today and your senseless act of mass murder.

(* 'Guides' subject to availability)

You know there's a lot of talk these days about terrorism as a means to an end and, let's face it, if you want media coverage there's no better way. Ask someone in the street who the world leaders in the terrorism industry are and they'll probably mention Al Qaeda or the middle east. Ask them what form terrorism takes and they'll no doubt mention explosives.

Well, as experienced advertising executives, we here at F.A.I.T.H have decided it's time to set the record straight. Quite obviously, if you're looking to impose your views on others, fear is the way to go. If you're looking to successfully impose your views on others through fear however, you need F.A.I.T.H.

Clearly Al-Qaeda and their peers have made a great deal of noise but how successful has their campaign really been? How many people from their target demographic have they convinced to adopt their ways? We advertisers in the west on the other hand, have been scaring people into spending money they haven't got an things they don't need for half a century.

The value of our combined experience is inestimable but these are just a few of the areas of expertise our consultancy offers:

tapping into fears

having had our finger on the social pulse for several decades, we know what concerns people and we know how to exploit it, F.A.I.T.H knows fear,

subtle terror

the immediate terror induced by suicide bombings has been shown fade over time and provoke a variety of counterproductive emotions such as bravery and self respect; the sign of a true professional is the ability to induce fear in the target without them being able to identify the source, F.A.I.T.H understands covert terror,

a smile goes a long way

our greatest achievement must surely be the relationship we have cultivated with our victims; despite the fact that we use every resource available to terrify the public so as to take their money, many of them actually show loyalty and even affection toward our clients and their products, F.A.I.T.H has mastered deception,

So if you have a way of life you'd like to impose on the rest of humanity, before you strap on the bomb just take a moment to think. A F.A.I.T.H consultant would present you with not only a wide selection of the latest terror methods but also the benefit of half a century of terror experience.

When you think about it, your beliefs are the only hope for mankind and F.A.I.T.H is the only hope for you. In the end then, not taking advantage of the services F.A.I.T.H has to offer is not only letting yourself but letting the rest of humanity down. Could you live with such a spectacular failure? Could your family?

So if you don't want your kids, and the rest of the world to hate you, then contact us through this website @ I_A_A_T@hotmail.com and mention F.A.I.T.H in the subject. We guarantee that we can turn people's fears and insecurities to your advantage and have them kiss your ass and say thank you afterwards, it's what we do. So get real, get serious, get F.A.I.T.H.

Are you frustrated with life? Sick and tired of the daily grind? Maybe you've thought about ending it all but don't want to just slip away quietly. Well if you're looking for a cause that can both fund a spectacular suicide and dress it up to look like it means something, you've come to the right place.

G.R.I.N is an agency set up for people just like you. We have an extensive database of extremist religious and political groups currently recruiting suicide bombers and will guarantee to match you to a local and appropriate cause or your money back.

The process is quick and simple and our friendly staff will guide you through each step of the way. Just email us through this website @ I_A_A_T@hotmail.com, mentioning G.R.I.N in the subject line, and tell us about your background, your reasons for wanting to become a suicide bomber and ideas or preferences for a cause you may have.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Do I have to be Muslim?

Not at all! It is a widespread misconception that only Muslims become suicide bombers. Here at G.R.I.N our database is second to none and contains groups of violent extremists from every religious or political persuasion. Whatever your background or beliefs we guarantee to find someone who will twist them to justify quite horrific acts of violence or your money back!

2. Do I have to be young/male?

It is true that most of our clients are angry young men but G.R.I.N receives requests all the time from older men and women of all ages and, being a 21st century company, G.R.I.N's services are available to all. In fact, thanks to the government's recently announced intentions to focus a higher proportion of police attention on young Asian men, the demand for women and older men as suicide bombers has increased dramatically.

Subsequently, for a limited time only all men over 50 and female applicants will receive a 10% discount from their introductory fee. Act fast however as it will only take one smartly dressed middle aged man, or one pretty young girl, to blow themselves up and the government will extend the measures currently used against young Asian men to everyone.

3. What if I change my mind?

Once a client has agreed to work with a group they are free to pull out at any time. You should be aware, however, that once the agreement is made G.R.I.N cannot refund any of the money you have paid to us and we are not responsible for the actions of the group you let down.

Clients should also be aware that if you fail as a suicide bomber and are caught by the UK authorities you will be locked in a stone box for the rest of your life without charge or trial. If caught by the US authorities you will be taken abroad, tortured for information, then locked in a steel cage for the rest of your life without charge or trial.

So if you think suicide bombing may be for you but don't know who's name to do it in or even where to get started, contact us at the address above and we'll send you a free 'Rough Guide to Martyrdom'* to get you started. We're here to make your dreams, and everyone else's worst fears, come true. Where do you want to blow today?

(*subject to availability)

H.E.A.R.T is the first group to stand loud and proud for 'environmental realism'. This dynamic and radical new attitude that differs from other forms of environmentalism by offering a definite solution to the problems of pollution, deforestation etc.

The theory of 'environmental realism' states that mankind is simply too destructive a species and will, if given the chance, ravage this beautiful world until there is nothing left. We here at H.E.A.R.T have faced up to this fact and so now call for all humans, whoever and wherever they may be, to blow themselves up for the good of the planet as soon as is possible.

Although this may sound like a radical tactic our scientists have calculated that this is the only possible way to prevent the extinction of various species and give nature a chance to recover. For creatures such as the six legged, arctic deer or the lesser spotted desert trout of Nairobi, it is too late, they are lost to us forever. We must exterminate ourselves now to prevent further such tragedies.

If you want to help us save the world's cute and furry creatures, and probably the ugly ones as well, not to mention their habitats, there are various ways you can help. You could just go out and blow yourself up today or, if you really care and want to make a significant difference, you could contact us and give us all your money first.*

For advice on how to rid the world of your polluting form or information on how you can help spread the message of 'environmental realism,' please contact us through this website @ I_A_A_T@hotmail.com , mentioning H.E.A.R.T in the subject line. Remember, on average each person who kills themselves helps three squirrels and a badger have a longer, happier life.

* Make all cheques payable to our sister company, ‘Fool Fleecers PLC’.

We are a group of concerned industrialists who feel it is time to speak out against a worrying trend in society today. More and more people are jumping on the 'anti-war' bandwagon everyday without recognising the potential harm they could be causing. C.H.E.E.R has been created to balance this argument and remind people of the inherent value of conflict and terror to our nation.

There is a common misconception that the consequences of conflict and terrorism are entirely negative and dispelling this naive notion is just one of C.H.E.E.R's prime objectives. What many people simply do not realise is that these 'tragedies' are the lifeblood of the UK arms industry, an industry that employs 345,000 people and provides 3% of the UK's manufacturing output.

Of course our effect on the UK economy goes beyond these simple statistics. For example, out of the $4.7 billion we make annually we pay our top executives huge sums of money. This enables them to enjoy luxurious lifestyles which in turn provides many employment opportunities among ordinary people such as mowing lawns and washing cars.

The peaceful resolution of long standing conflicts, such as that between India and Pakistan for example, can cause serious problems in our industry as the UK sell arms to both sides. Some may be so bold as to suggest that we are to blame for a great deal of suffering and insecurity but we here at C.H.E.E.R know that, in fact, the very opposite is true!

One of the main reasons we sell arms so widely, besides making huge heaps of lovely cash, is to lower the unit cost. The more arms we make the cheaper they are thus enabling our own government to afford more. If the countries capable of designing and producing high tech arms were the only ones to have them have you any idea how much more expensive they would be?

In the end the message is clear and so, not only for the UK economy but for the security of all UK citizens, C.H.E.E.R demands that all governments and terrorist organisations continue to start and exacerbate senseless conflicts across the globe.

If you are a terrorist organisation looking for black market weapons, or perhaps a small nation trying to start a war, please contact us for more information through this website @ I_A_A_T@hotmail.com mentioning C.H.E.E.R in the subject line.

If you would like to join C.H.E.E.R and help us in our campaign to perpetuate unending war please contact us through the above address. For just $10,000 a year you will receive our biannual magazine, each issue comes with a selection of the very latest in small arms technology. Contact us within 28 days and receive a free nuclear warhead!*

* Nuclear warheads subject to availability,
(NB. launch codes sold separately, available from the US government.)

We are a group of concerned citizens who believe that religious extremism is responsible for the majority of human suffering in the world today, from wars and terrorism to disease and poverty. Whether it be men with a silly hats in southern Europe, men with a different but equally silly hats in the middle east or a man without a hat or a clue in the US, religious zealots cause hardship and suffering every single day.

This being the case we here at C.A.R.E are calling for all those people with strongly held religious beliefs, regardless of faith or denomination, to blow themselves up asap for the good of humanity.

Not only will this mean that the rest of us will no longer have to be subjected to your ideals and differences, but your deaths will provide us with dramatic and entertaining news footage. After all, once we have freed ourselves from religion, TV will be the only god.

Once our campaign takes off we hope to take control of empty churches, mosques, synagogues, temples etc and convert them into homeless shelters and youth clubs. This is not because we care about homeless people or youths particularly but rather that we don't want to have to look at them when driving to and from the office.

Some believers may find themselves faced with an ethical conflict regarding the opinion of the almighty with regards suicide. C.A.R.E assures everyone so concerned that as your act will so benefit humanity, you will definitely be forgiven and enter whatever spangly paradise you believe to exist after death.

This said, if anyone finds that, having successfully committed explosive suicide, they have been damned for all eternity for their actions, or have simply ceased to be, they should contact C.A.R.E immediately. Under such circumstances we will publish a full apology and revise our guidelines, this is the C.A.R.E promise.

So if you're religious and would like to do the world a favour, or maybe you'd like to help us in our campaign with ideas or funds, please contact us via this website @ I_A_A_T@hotmail.com , and we'll send you a full information pack* (Please mention C.A.R.E in the subject line.)

(* information packs subject to availability)

This website provides a space for people to air views that are outside the law. Whether it be sitting outside a Starbucks with friends laughing at homeless people, or talking on the latest bluetooth hands free kit in the luxury leather interior of expensive cars, everyone should be allowed to express themselves.

Isn't it frustrating when people just refuse to agree with you when it's so obvious that you're right? Do you find yourself thinking, hang on, my idea is so important it's worth spilling innocent blood for? Well, if there's a situation that's got you all steamed up, if your self righteous anger has driven you into a frenzy of blind arrogance, this is the place for you to share your hatred.

Any organization that contacts us, and proves to be zealous to the point of insanity, is welcome to submit a post outlining their beliefs and advertising vacancies. Submissions will posted in the order they are received with no priority being given to any one cause.

Please send your submissions to: I_A_A_T@hotmail.com

The management of this site in no way affiliate themselves with any cause or organisation published herein. This doesn't make what we're doing any less illegal, we just don't want anyone to think that we are friends with nutters like you.